Three Princesses in Waiting

At this time of year I think about the small memories that I have of Riley, leading up to his birthday. Not saying I don't think about him all the time but I think more about teasured moments I don't want to forget. I try not to dwell on the memories that I will never have with him as I don't want to consume my mind with things that are then going to lessen the memories that I do have. When you loss a baby at birth all that you have is your memories of pregnancy, birth and the grieving journey. Grief is like a roller coaster, in the early days (when I say early days I mean the first year really), everything is raw. There were many days I just felt EMPTY, I had no words, I had no love to give, I had no energy, I felt like my heart was being squeezed to the point where you can only see it pumping ever so slowly. There are some memories which are significant to not just me but to others, photos they have seen, items that they made, meals and kind words that they have sha...

I want to know how do I train my kids to do as I ask them? Yes Mum I will have a shower without a fight, would be music to my ears and nose right now. I don't think I'm asking to much of you to have a shower when every time you lift your arms I can smell BO which should be coming from a Man that has not worn deoderant for a week and works in the blazing hot sun. Your stench takes my breath away. I love you and even if you stink I will hold you a little longer and give you a cuddle, I will sneek in and watch you sleep but please it really is not too much to ask for you to shower every day... And by the way jumping in the pool is not having a shower!!!

My dear Josephine, My darling girl you have brought so much joy into our lives, how can you be one already. The last 12 months has seen joy and trials and all I can think is this time last year you had just been born and were in special care. I was desperate to get you home. All the nurses were fussing about making sure that I was OK but I knew that as long as I got to take you out the doors of the hospital I would be OK. You would be OK and everything in my world would be perfect for a moment in time that I will never forget. After a few days in special care I was told that you would be allowed home, it was music to my ears. You had to be in for another 24 hrs and I counted down every second. When it came time for the nurses to do the final checks, you had lost weight and there was a discussion about keeping you in longer. The nurses could see how much I needed to have tyou with me and trusted that I would be able to look after you and all would be fine. I think I danced out o...

Being surrounded by a large Family is awesome, I'm able to sit back and look and dream of my family being the same some day. Now I will not be having seven kids but to have a family holiday with all of David's siblings. partners, parents and all the nieces and two nephews was wonderful. I can feel the love, I can feel the connection between my girls and Suzanne's (my sister in law that lives in Tassie) girls even though they have not seen each other for three years. Before the family holiday Monique was having issues at school not having friends to play with. There is always two sides to every story but all I was seeing and hearing was that Monique was taking herself off to the Library at lunch break to be by herself as she felt that she had no friends. This was heart breaking as a parent to know that she was alone. I had questioned if she knew how to make friends. When we were on the family holiday it was like a spark was ignited in Monique when she got together with Be...

This time last year I was only just managing to get through a 24 hour period without freaking out. I was counting down to each weekly hospital appointment and when I got there I begged the Dr to tell me how much long. Begged that they could guarantee that you would be OK. I would lay in bed waiting for you to kick really hard. My life was ruled by how much I had felt you kick in the minutes or second before. I was not me I was some obsessed women that could not see past a few hours I needed to have everything in life planned in the hope that this time we would be able to bring a baby home and into our arms forever. I can look back now and see how very nuts I was, I have no faith in my body. My mind and my body were separate beings, both of which I had no control over.  When I was about 16 weeks pregnant I went to a councillor at the hospital ( I was refer to her after having a panic attack on my first visit to the hospital, it was bound to happen when the midw...

In July between moving house and juggling kids I took a trip to Sydney for the Bears of Hope Ball. It is held each year and for the last three years I have had the pleasure of being on the Ball Committee. There is something to be said about giving back to a charity which has done so much for our family, they allowed us to connect with other people that had lost a child and knew the pain that we felt in the days and months after losing Riley.  Although this year has been hard to assist as much as I would like to, I hope to never be thrown out of the Ball Committee or "Pretty Committee" as a fellow committee members husband had dubbed us all. What what a wonderful description. All the images are from my iphone which I have found doesn't take the best pictures in a dark room. Some of the Pretty Committee It was great to have some friends come along for the night. It made me miss their crazy ways... ' The money that is raised each year at the Bears...

In the September School Holidays my parents came for a visit, we tried to do things which we had not done before. The weather was pretty bleek so the beach was out, we found some fun things to do on the Gold Coast and even in Brisbane that were free. I love a free activity. Food is always top of the list when Grandparents visit and Pancakes on the Rocks was a must. This was my breakfast, Chocolate Pancakes. Josephine introduced herself to meat pies and BBQ sauce. Currumbin Wildlife Park every day between 4pm - 5pm do bird feeding you just pay a donation for a plate. Monique waited so patiently for the birds to come. Poppy waited and waited and then decided that holding a snake was much more exciting. Wish I got a picture of that. Poppy is scared of bugs and spiders, she has even been known to freak out about a fly in the bath. Monique wanted to celebrate her birthday by going to the GoMA in Brisbane, she is so cultured. Not sure where she gets that from, ...