Monday, October 14, 2013

We all wore blue ribbons in our hair - Riley's funeral

If you look in my bag you will find a blue ribbon, it is a little faded now and have some grubby marks on it. It is in the little side pocket with a zipper so I can't lose it.

You will find another in my jewellery box, this one is not so faded, it is shiny and bright baby blue. It is there for me to look and touch when I need a reminder this life is real and the bounty of blessing that I have in my life are truly for me.

Another you will find in a special blue box in my garage that holds all the precious items that were given to us for Riley.

Somewhere along the time between having Riley and his funeral it was decided that all of Riley's family would wear Blue. Riley was our first Boy, Riley was the first Grandson on David's side of the family after 8 grand daughters. We were going to make the most of Blue as we could. The men all wore Blue shirts, the women wore Blue or had a blue Ribbon in their hair.

The morning of the funeral it was hot, real hot, western Sydney 40 degree kind of hot. I didn't notice
My parents had come to get the girls dressed in new outfits, I was cleaning the house like mad. There was a bustle about the house as people dropped food off and prepared everything. We had requested that the funeral director not to send a car that we would get David's parents to take us.

As everything rushed around, I remember standing in the bathroom fully dressed ready to go, lippy and high heels on with a toothbrush in hand scrubbing the shower. In my mind I think I just had to make everything as perfect as it could be for that day, the day that I will never forget. My mum walked in on me and said 'Its OK, its going to be OK the way it is, it time to go'.

She is a wise women because although she was talking about the shower, she also knew we would be OK the way we are now.

My Mum tied the Blue Ribbon in my hair, I took a big breath and knew now it was time to leave.

David's parents drove us to the cemetery, in their new Volvo. I had not been in it before, as we drove out of our estate the feeling in the car was very sombre I don't think anyone had spoken. What do you say in that kind of situation. Well being in a Volvo I remarked 'I feel so safe' when in fact I felt the most venerable I had ever felt in my life.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Losing Riley telling the girls

I remember sitting on the floor after the girls where brought back to our house. They had stayed at my sisters the night we had Riley. I sat there broken not knowing what I was feeling let alone how on earth I was going to explain it to a 4yr old and 2 1/2 yr old. I sat there for what felt like a very long time with Poppy playing with some toys. Waiting to find the right words. I just didn't want the girls to feel the way I felt. I think I played out the words in my head over and over but I never got to say them. Before I said anything Poppy asked where is baby boy? Is baby boy gone? Her sweet innocent voice, the way she looked around as if he was hiding. The thing that scared me the most was she already knew without me ever having to utter a word.
It was at that point that David and I joined forces and sat with the girls, drew on our faith and told them. There are many moments of losing Riley that I can play over and over in my mind. The regrets the what if and the if onlys, but the words  we spoke at the moment have gone. 

There would have been questions there is still questions now. It was only tonight that we were asked did you put clothes on Riley when he was already dead. These questions usually go ing with other random statements of but Riley didn't even get to meet his family. 

The questions were endless all I wanted to do was let the tears fall. I wanted to hold my boy in my arms. I wanted to be around people  I wanted to be alone but I couldn't be. I wanted to shower my girls with cuddles. I wanted them to know it was all going to be ok. 

I don't know how we got through the questions. We must of repeated the same explanation and they must have asked the same question hundreds of times. 

The questions the grief the life that continued around us. One night before Riley's funeral I was trying to bath the kids. I know there was other people in the house, there had to be i couldn't be left alone I was too scared to be left alone. I leant over the bath. Another question from the girls. Another wave of tears, I just couldn't answer anymore questions. I heard the front door, another person entered the house it could have been anyone I wouldn't have noticed I was a zombie. This person however didn't stop to say hi to everyone else. She asked where the girls were and came straight to the bathroom. Picked me up and took over being the mum I couldn't be. Before I knew it bath pjs and stories and bedtime was all done, whilst I snuck away from the noise and laid on my bed wishing it was all a dream . It was a relief to not have to answer anymore questions that day. 

Overtime we became stronger to be able to answer questions, to be able to include Riley in our family we have to talk about him. Just because he didn't get to meet his sisters in this life time doesn't mean they won't know him when they meet again. It is with all our faith and hope that we truely believe this. It is our faith that there is more to us then this life that makes the days shorter and the questions easier to answer. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

October - Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Month

The 15th of October marks Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, alot of people participate in a capture your grief type project. I tried to do this last year but felt terrible when life got in the way and I couldn't post something everyday. So this year I have decided to write about a few things that I have never written about before, something's that I want to always remember and about moving forward with life.

Right now I'm not sure what will get spilt on to the keys in front of me. I'm no writer, my gramma is bad and spelling even worse. I'm going to let the fingers do the talking and see what comes out.

I have no idea who reads this and I don't write for others to read, I write to get it out, to make sense of my feelings. I write to make my feelings known and hope that one day my girls will read this and understand me. Understand what is important in this life and be able to look back with fond memories of what I have recorded.

The whole day of remembrance is a concept to me to that doesn't quite make sense. I don't need a special day to remember because anyone that has lost someone that they love can tell you they remember every day, they long for that person very day and you would not be human if you didn't wonder about the 'What Ifs' . It might be different if you are remembering people that you don't know but know that they have passed away in a global event but when you are personally connected with a loss, it is always there. It might not be at the front of your brain, it might be to the left of right over time it goes to the back but it is still always there...

About Me

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I'm a stay at home mum to three beautiful girls and one angel boy which inspire me to be a better person every day. My Blog is about our life and suviving the up and downs of raising a family and the love and loss that come along for the journey.