Losing Riley telling the girls
I remember sitting on the floor after the girls where brought back to our house. They had stayed at my sisters the night we had Riley. I sat there broken not knowing what I was feeling let alone how on earth I was going to explain it to a 4yr old and 2 1/2 yr old. I sat there for what felt like a very long time with Poppy playing with some toys. Waiting to find the right words. I just didn't want the girls to feel the way I felt. I think I played out the words in my head over and over but I never got to say them. Before I said anything Poppy asked where is baby boy? Is baby boy gone? Her sweet innocent voice, the way she looked around as if he was hiding. The thing that scared me the most was she already knew without me ever having to utter a word.
It was at that point that David and I joined forces and sat with the girls, drew on our faith and told them. There are many moments of losing Riley that I can play over and over in my mind. The regrets the what if and the if onlys, but the words we spoke at the moment have gone.
There would have been questions there is still questions now. It was only tonight that we were asked did you put clothes on Riley when he was already dead. These questions usually go ing with other random statements of but Riley didn't even get to meet his family.
The questions were endless all I wanted to do was let the tears fall. I wanted to hold my boy in my arms. I wanted to be around people I wanted to be alone but I couldn't be. I wanted to shower my girls with cuddles. I wanted them to know it was all going to be ok.
I don't know how we got through the questions. We must of repeated the same explanation and they must have asked the same question hundreds of times.
The questions the grief the life that continued around us. One night before Riley's funeral I was trying to bath the kids. I know there was other people in the house, there had to be i couldn't be left alone I was too scared to be left alone. I leant over the bath. Another question from the girls. Another wave of tears, I just couldn't answer anymore questions. I heard the front door, another person entered the house it could have been anyone I wouldn't have noticed I was a zombie. This person however didn't stop to say hi to everyone else. She asked where the girls were and came straight to the bathroom. Picked me up and took over being the mum I couldn't be. Before I knew it bath pjs and stories and bedtime was all done, whilst I snuck away from the noise and laid on my bed wishing it was all a dream . It was a relief to not have to answer anymore questions that day.
Overtime we became stronger to be able to answer questions, to be able to include Riley in our family we have to talk about him. Just because he didn't get to meet his sisters in this life time doesn't mean they won't know him when they meet again. It is with all our faith and hope that we truely believe this. It is our faith that there is more to us then this life that makes the days shorter and the questions easier to answer.