Monday, December 9, 2013

Looking like a Surfer

Monique for her birthday got a surf board and as neither Dave and I can surf we put her into surfing lessons. She loves it, she took a few weeks to get the hang off standing up but she very slowly got there. Each week she would ask me, "Do I look like a surfing pro yet", to which I would answer sure you look like an awesome surfer.
Each Saturday morning for 8 weeks we left the house at 7am to get to surfing, it didn't matter if it was sunny or raining we were there. There was a couple of weeks that David couldn't come so it would be me and the three girls, Monique in the surf, Poppy trying to swimming in between the surf boards and me holding Josephine yelling at Poppy to come back and yelling at Monique to get back out there and catch the next wave.
 
The second last week of surfing, Monique got really upset as one of the girls in her class told her that she was the worst surfer. The thing with Monique is that she is not the sporty type but she just tries so hard and it breaks my heart to see that she's trying and someone puts her down. Being the awesome Mum that I am I told her that this other girl mustn't be a good surfer because if she was she would be to busy catching waves to know what you are doing.
The next week it was raining, we went anyway, she surfed and I stood in the rain. The little girl that was mean to Monique wasn't there. I very quietly whispered into Monique's ear as she walked into the surf.
 "She mustn't be a very good surfer, if she can't even surf in the rain"
 
Monique surfed the best she ever had rain and all. I love my little surfer girl.








Monique's 8th Birthday

Monique's Birthday was in October but some how I have only just taken the photos off my camera. I already know what my New Years Resolution will be for next year. GET MORE ORGANISED.
 
She had a lovely birthday with presents and cake, all the things which are a must have for any 8 year old. She got a 1D CD, CD Player and Towel, or for those not in the know, or don't have an 8 yr old that's One Direction. All we heard for days was One Direction. She also got a surf board, Monique loves the beach and loves to go out beyond the waves. Although she was born in the Burbs, she was made to live at the beach.
 






At our Church when you turn eight, you can choose to be Baptised. Monique's Baptism was held a couple of weeks after her birthday as that was the one weekend when her Grandparents could come up (they travel a lot). 


Following her Baptism we had family and friends come over for a birthday pool party. She had a great day and I hope it is one that she will remember for a long time.

 
My Beautiful Niece and Sister in Law surprised Monique by flying up for a weekend for her baptism. It was so nice to spend time with everyone, although it makes you miss them more once you have seen them again.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Catching up

At the start of October I had planned to write about Grief and Life, I wrote headings of posts to prompt me. I had a plan of doing one every few days. Well life keeps going on and I didn't quite get to finish the posts I wanted to in October so there might just be a few more Grief Posts coming when I have time to post about them.

October is easily busier then Christmas in our house, we have birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays. Luckily only two in our immediate family but in our extended family there is over 10 in September and October. So family that have yet to receive a present it is on my list and to those that have got them, score!

Photo Round Up because I can't remember what I have shared before.

I think this was last school holidays, kids day at Surfers Paradise and Movie on the Beach with friends.
By the way how good are my teeth looking, you can't even see my braces in this photo!



Most annoying sound ever - six kids and duck whistles.


 
My prince charming pushing his three princesses on the swings.
 

Monique and her friends wanted to camp out on the trampoline, it has a tent over the top. Great plan. I joined them for safety. Long story short at 4am we had to move inside as the tent is NOT waterproof and we were all soaked.. Monique also had over 20 mozzie bites, we might not be trying that again.
 



OK so I think that bring me up to October, now to post about our busy month next time..
 

Monday, October 14, 2013

We all wore blue ribbons in our hair - Riley's funeral

If you look in my bag you will find a blue ribbon, it is a little faded now and have some grubby marks on it. It is in the little side pocket with a zipper so I can't lose it.

You will find another in my jewellery box, this one is not so faded, it is shiny and bright baby blue. It is there for me to look and touch when I need a reminder this life is real and the bounty of blessing that I have in my life are truly for me.

Another you will find in a special blue box in my garage that holds all the precious items that were given to us for Riley.

Somewhere along the time between having Riley and his funeral it was decided that all of Riley's family would wear Blue. Riley was our first Boy, Riley was the first Grandson on David's side of the family after 8 grand daughters. We were going to make the most of Blue as we could. The men all wore Blue shirts, the women wore Blue or had a blue Ribbon in their hair.

The morning of the funeral it was hot, real hot, western Sydney 40 degree kind of hot. I didn't notice
My parents had come to get the girls dressed in new outfits, I was cleaning the house like mad. There was a bustle about the house as people dropped food off and prepared everything. We had requested that the funeral director not to send a car that we would get David's parents to take us.

As everything rushed around, I remember standing in the bathroom fully dressed ready to go, lippy and high heels on with a toothbrush in hand scrubbing the shower. In my mind I think I just had to make everything as perfect as it could be for that day, the day that I will never forget. My mum walked in on me and said 'Its OK, its going to be OK the way it is, it time to go'.

She is a wise women because although she was talking about the shower, she also knew we would be OK the way we are now.

My Mum tied the Blue Ribbon in my hair, I took a big breath and knew now it was time to leave.

David's parents drove us to the cemetery, in their new Volvo. I had not been in it before, as we drove out of our estate the feeling in the car was very sombre I don't think anyone had spoken. What do you say in that kind of situation. Well being in a Volvo I remarked 'I feel so safe' when in fact I felt the most venerable I had ever felt in my life.


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Losing Riley telling the girls

I remember sitting on the floor after the girls where brought back to our house. They had stayed at my sisters the night we had Riley. I sat there broken not knowing what I was feeling let alone how on earth I was going to explain it to a 4yr old and 2 1/2 yr old. I sat there for what felt like a very long time with Poppy playing with some toys. Waiting to find the right words. I just didn't want the girls to feel the way I felt. I think I played out the words in my head over and over but I never got to say them. Before I said anything Poppy asked where is baby boy? Is baby boy gone? Her sweet innocent voice, the way she looked around as if he was hiding. The thing that scared me the most was she already knew without me ever having to utter a word.
It was at that point that David and I joined forces and sat with the girls, drew on our faith and told them. There are many moments of losing Riley that I can play over and over in my mind. The regrets the what if and the if onlys, but the words  we spoke at the moment have gone. 

There would have been questions there is still questions now. It was only tonight that we were asked did you put clothes on Riley when he was already dead. These questions usually go ing with other random statements of but Riley didn't even get to meet his family. 

The questions were endless all I wanted to do was let the tears fall. I wanted to hold my boy in my arms. I wanted to be around people  I wanted to be alone but I couldn't be. I wanted to shower my girls with cuddles. I wanted them to know it was all going to be ok. 

I don't know how we got through the questions. We must of repeated the same explanation and they must have asked the same question hundreds of times. 

The questions the grief the life that continued around us. One night before Riley's funeral I was trying to bath the kids. I know there was other people in the house, there had to be i couldn't be left alone I was too scared to be left alone. I leant over the bath. Another question from the girls. Another wave of tears, I just couldn't answer anymore questions. I heard the front door, another person entered the house it could have been anyone I wouldn't have noticed I was a zombie. This person however didn't stop to say hi to everyone else. She asked where the girls were and came straight to the bathroom. Picked me up and took over being the mum I couldn't be. Before I knew it bath pjs and stories and bedtime was all done, whilst I snuck away from the noise and laid on my bed wishing it was all a dream . It was a relief to not have to answer anymore questions that day. 

Overtime we became stronger to be able to answer questions, to be able to include Riley in our family we have to talk about him. Just because he didn't get to meet his sisters in this life time doesn't mean they won't know him when they meet again. It is with all our faith and hope that we truely believe this. It is our faith that there is more to us then this life that makes the days shorter and the questions easier to answer. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

October - Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Month

The 15th of October marks Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day, alot of people participate in a capture your grief type project. I tried to do this last year but felt terrible when life got in the way and I couldn't post something everyday. So this year I have decided to write about a few things that I have never written about before, something's that I want to always remember and about moving forward with life.

Right now I'm not sure what will get spilt on to the keys in front of me. I'm no writer, my gramma is bad and spelling even worse. I'm going to let the fingers do the talking and see what comes out.

I have no idea who reads this and I don't write for others to read, I write to get it out, to make sense of my feelings. I write to make my feelings known and hope that one day my girls will read this and understand me. Understand what is important in this life and be able to look back with fond memories of what I have recorded.

The whole day of remembrance is a concept to me to that doesn't quite make sense. I don't need a special day to remember because anyone that has lost someone that they love can tell you they remember every day, they long for that person very day and you would not be human if you didn't wonder about the 'What Ifs' . It might be different if you are remembering people that you don't know but know that they have passed away in a global event but when you are personally connected with a loss, it is always there. It might not be at the front of your brain, it might be to the left of right over time it goes to the back but it is still always there...

Friday, September 20, 2013

My Baby is a Little Girl


Josephine is changing into a real toddler, we have just gone from baby soft sole shoes to real sandals. I know in the whole scheme of life is it not that great a milestone. When she is getting her first bra I may just cry. She chats on the phone to family members and throws tantrums if she doesn't get what she wants.
 
But the saddest thing of all, I don't get the big long snuggle cuddles anymore. I ask for a cuddle and she runs away.
 
Onward with the new adventures with a toddler.
Lunch Dates

Pretty Hair Styles

Silly Games

Crashing after a long day

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Death of Rueben

It is with much sadness that I have to write that our ugly, smelly Guinea Pig Rueben is Dead. Monique through all her efforts to look after her first pet some how got the short straw and has had to deal with finding him 'Just laying there'.

Of course she has gone through all the normal grieving cycles. Sadness, anger, sadness, happiness all before Rueben had a funeral. Yes Happiness - While Dave is digging a hole to bury Rueben, Monique is asking can she have a snake as a Pet. AAAHHHHH NO Way, what about a Spider? Seeing as I have on more then one occasion rang people to come over to kill a spider, you can be assured the answer is NO.

Although I joke about it, I also saw the days following, Monique visiting our surviving Guinea Pig Jaxy a number of times throughout the day to make sure he is still alive. It seems the anxiety of losing a love one even if it is an ugly smelly Guinea Pig is no different for a child to deal with as an adult which has lost someone un-expectantly. I know it is a massive emotional difference and she will be over it soon. But the anxiety of checking and double checking and triple checking to make sure the surviving member of the family are OK, is something that I can see in myself.


Monday, September 2, 2013

More of our Winter Holiday - Visiting Mikie in Hospital

Visiting hospital with kids is no fun for them or the adults that have to be around them. After we went to the Winter Magic Festival we went to see my Dad(aka Mikie) in hospital. As soon as we walked in we could see and hear that he was having a hard time with his pain management. Mum and I tried to keep the kids busy with the iPad and iPhone but eventually Poppy got bored and hungry.
 
Family friends had come by to see Dad and they were a wonderful distraction for all of us. It was kind of good that Poppy got bored as her next toy to play with was my camera. I have about 40 photos from that night, Oh the things we do to just keep our kids quite, which she wasn't by any means.
This is how Dad looked and felt.
But when he knew Poppy was taking a photo, the true Mikie came out from the haze of pain and drugs.







Thanks John for playing with Poppy. Not sure which of you two had more fun...
 
 
 

Friday, August 16, 2013

Sydney Trip - Winter Magic Festival

Finally getting around to posting about my trip to Sydney. We went down for a holiday that just so happened to be right when my Dad (Mikie) had heart surgery. Usually when we go back Home it is so very rushed, this time I wanted the girls to do some holiday things that they would remember.
 
 
In the 30+ years I lived in the Blue Mountains I had never been to the Winter Magic Festival, it use to be 'When all the Freaks, came out to play', but I thought it is something different and you don't get to see Blue Mountain Freaks very often so hey lets do it. Now I grew up in the Lower Blue Mountains, it is very different to the Upper Mountains, we really are just suburbia with bushland and less traffic.. We got on the train and as we travelled closer to our destination it become clear the freaks were out to play. My Mum is the queen of giving the eye and the nod - did you see that signal.
 
As we got off at Katoomba it was just a little cold, I didn't even have a thick jacket (its not something you use on the Gold Coast).


Josephine didn't like of this constrictive clothing, this photo is her screaming, if she could talk she would be saying 'what's this thing stuck on my head'.

She soon fell asleep, and we all wished we could be as warm as she was.
 
The festival is great, there was a parade that had the girls mesmerised for ages. Lots of stalls and even more people. It was a great day out to forget about the stress of Dad not being well for a few hours.
 
 
As I write this Monique reminded me that it was really cool to eat something hot as when you breathed, smoke came out. So funny, I remember standing freezing cold with snot dripping from my nose and she remembers being able to breath smoke like a dragon.







 
 

About Me

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I'm a stay at home mum to three beautiful girls and one angel boy which inspire me to be a better person every day. My Blog is about our life and suviving the up and downs of raising a family and the love and loss that come along for the journey.