Creating memories when you're not here

Every second of a memory is so important when you don't have many. Three and a half years ago the heartache was too much, I couldn't understand how all the hopes and dream all the plans we had made had suddenly changed. All the things that we wanted to do, all the memories that we thought that we would have, all gone in a moment which defines the biggest memory of my life.

We have changed, we have grown, we have added to our family but still I have to keep your memory alive. I want to create more memories that include you but how can a do that when you are not in my arms? How can your sisters have memories of you, other then photos? 

When we were in Sydney for the school holidays the girls asked to go to Riley's grave to see where his box was under the dirt. I couldn't take them because although it has been three years his grave stone had not been set. It sounds awful, like we waited years but this is not the case. We knew he was there, but we don't believe his spirit is there he is with us always. We know that we will be a family again some day.
Riley was laid to rest with my wonderfully loving grandparents, I envision then holding Riley tight never wanting to let him go. Because the three of them are in together it has taken us some time to coordinate the whole plot headstone thing. I think we were really lucky to have been able to put Riley with Nan and Gaga (my grandfather). Nan had only passed away six months prior and my Mum being an only child and still grieving has not ordered the settings when Riley died. I'm glad she had put it off, sometimes these things just happen for a reason. We finally ordered it in January but due to bad weather and stone masons not being in any hurry it has taken till now to finally have it finished. 
Last week as the world celebrated the birth of a new prince I get a text with an image that I have waited for, our sons name etched in stone. Another memory for us to keep, a place our daughters can visit. 

When I looked at this for the first time where was no sadness, there was that emptiness again. I told David I wish there were more words, but now I have had time to let it all sink in I actually wish there was more numbers. Just a day would be enough...


  1. Oh Ande, the headstone looks so beautiful. Oh just one day would be enough - I so get that. Some people say, having one day would make it harder, because it would only be ONE day but I smile through my tears as I imagine us with one whole day and how grateful we would be with that.


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