Griefs Journey

At this time of year I think about the small memories that I have of Riley, leading up to his birthday. Not saying I don't think about him all the time but I think more about teasured moments I don't want to forget. I try not to dwell on the memories that I will never have with him as I don't want to consume my mind with things that are then going to lessen the memories that I do have. When you loss a baby at birth all that you have is your memories of pregnancy, birth and the grieving journey.

Grief is like a roller coaster, in the early days (when I say early days I mean the first year really), everything is raw. There were many days I just felt EMPTY, I had no words, I had no love to give, I had no energy, I felt like my heart was being squeezed to the point where you can only see it pumping ever so slowly.

There are some memories which are significant to not just me but to others, photos they have seen, items that they made, meals and kind words that they have shared.

Last night I lay awake thinking, wishing this Queensland heat would cool off enough so that I could drift off to sleep and this beautiful memory came to mind. This is my memory, to treasure. Now it doesn't just involve me but another two people. They might not remember it, they might not know that this memory is so treasured to me that I have to write it down in fear that one day my mind will fail me and I will forget.

Before I fell pregnant with Riley I loved going to the Gym it was my 'ME' time. It was just what I needed to deal with two kids at thome. So after having Riley it was the one thing I needed to get back to "Normal" what ever that was going to be.

This one day I really pushed myself to go into the gym, my mind was so foggy but if I could just get in there and run on the treadmill and watch the cars out the window go by and know that the world is still moving around me, then maybe I would be able to keep moving too.

I walked in, dropped the kids off, and got on the treadmill.

NOTHING, I WAS EMPTY
I was so empty on that day all I could manage was to  get back off the treadmill and sneek in to pick up the kids. No eye contact, if someone talks to me I'm going to crack. Yes managed that!

As I sneeked past the front desk the receptionist Loz called out 'That wasn't much of a work out, Matt's not going to be happy with you'. I replied ' I just don't have it in me today'. I didn't realise that Matt my trainer was behind me. Both Loz and Matt ribbed me about my poor effort.

Thats it I cracked, the tears started to flow, the only words I could get out was "today is that day that my baby was due to be born". Loz hugged me and offered to look after the kids so I could have some time to do what ever I needed. Her hug meant so much, and with that I was a little less EMPTY that day and was able to continue on my day doing the Mum stuff that you can't just stop when on the roller coaster of grief.

Nearly three years on that roller coaster I feel has pulled into the station. I may not have got off yet and the safety bar is still down but I'm comfortable sitting here, holding onto the journeys memories.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 15, 2013 at 9:59 AM

    I remeber that day very well and will never forget the small amount of pain compared to you that I felt. Thank you for remembering my little hug on that day and for acknowledging that it meant something to you.
    We go through life not knowing what impact we have on peoples lives but after reading this I realise that mine was little for your healing.
    Thank you so much for letting me read about a small part of your soul.

    Love Loz xxx

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Josephine Adelaide Arrives

Image
I have finally found some time to post, last friday we welcomed the arrival of Josephine Adelaide , you might know her as 'Sunny'. Weight 3095 Date of Birth 2/12/2011 Length: 50cm She is so lovely and we are so glad to have her with us finally. What a long road. As I have time I will continue to write about my girls and what it was like to be 37 weeks pregnant and then to actually deliver her and bring her home. The anticpation and emotions are something which I don't want to ever forget. Here are some Pictures of our beautiful girl.
Read more

One Angel Prince

Image
I started to blog when a became pregnant with Riley and now, it is one of the few things i have to remember him by. We lost our darling little boy on 16th February 2010 at 31 weeks. I had a feeling that something was not right, that he hadn't moved much in the days leading up to his arrival so called the hospital and was told to come straight in to get checked out. I was concerned but thought that everything would be OK. Riley didn't move much or maybe is was that i'm always so busy that i only ever noticed it at night when i went to bed. When i was pregnant with the girls; we would see feet sticking out, so clearly that you could count their toes. This never happened with Riley and I put it down to being a different baby, he never really bothered me much at all. I was much less sick with Riley then i was with the girls that is for sure. I had to carry zip lock bags with me every where with the girls and with Riley I was sick but he always allowed me enough time to get to...
Read more

Sunny Days - It comes in Waves

The panic comes in waves of 'yes I can deal with this", to "please just get me through the next hour, to the end of the day, until Monday'. Monday marks another ultrasound for us and when it should be exciting all I feel is panic, fear that I'm going to have to live through the nightmare again. For the last week I have kept as busy as can be, maybe too busy but the tactic of distraction is wonderful with keeping my mind away from being consumed by the monster of fear. It is in the still of night when I can't sleep that the wave gets bigger and bigger and I find myself in bed willing Sunny to move, for her to tell me that she is OK and it is all going to be alright. Like a mantra Dave tells me often it is all going to be OK that we are going to get to bring Sunny home. Sometimes I can see this and I can pitcure giving birth again but some days when the anxiety is high all I want is to be able to get to the ultrasound and see a healthy baby kicking around in ...
Read more