The panic comes in waves of 'yes I can deal with this", to "please just get me through the next hour, to the end of the day, until Monday'. Monday marks another ultrasound for us and when it should be exciting all I feel is panic, fear that I'm going to have to live through the nightmare again.
For the last week I have kept as busy as can be, maybe too busy but the tactic of distraction is wonderful with keeping my mind away from being consumed by the monster of fear. It is in the still of night when I can't sleep that the wave gets bigger and bigger and I find myself in bed willing Sunny to move, for her to tell me that she is OK and it is all going to be alright.
Like a mantra Dave tells me often it is all going to be OK that we are going to get to bring Sunny home. Sometimes I can see this and I can pitcure giving birth again but some days when the anxiety is high all I want is to be able to get to the ultrasound and see a healthy baby kicking around in there.
So when you ask me how the pregnancy is going and I say 'Good Today' with smile on my face, I may actually be saying 'Good this second'. Ultrasounds and the lead up to an ultrasound for me are the hardest thing I have to face but I will get through this one and the many more to come and I will get to bring Sunny home.