Saturday, July 30, 2011

Sunny Days - It comes in Waves

The panic comes in waves of 'yes I can deal with this", to "please just get me through the next hour, to the end of the day, until Monday'. Monday marks another ultrasound for us and when it should be exciting all I feel is panic, fear that I'm going to have to live through the nightmare again.
For the last week I have kept as busy as can be, maybe too busy but the tactic of distraction is wonderful with keeping my mind away from being consumed by the monster of fear. It is in the still of night when I can't sleep that the wave gets bigger and bigger and I find myself in bed willing Sunny to move, for her to tell me that she is OK and it is all going to be alright.

Like a mantra Dave tells me often it is all going to be OK that we are going to get to bring Sunny home. Sometimes I can see this and I can pitcure giving birth again but some days when the anxiety is high all I want is to be able to get to the ultrasound and see a healthy baby kicking around in there.

So when you ask me how the pregnancy is going and I say 'Good Today' with smile on my face, I may actually be saying 'Good this second'. Ultrasounds and the lead up to an ultrasound for me are the hardest thing I have to face but I will get through this one and the many more to come and I will get to bring Sunny home.

4 comments:

  1. Lots of prayers that 'Sunny' will let you know often that things are okay and that the time will go very fast so you can hold her in your arms give her a big kiss and cuddle and know she is alive and well. I know that Riley is telling her what an amazing family she will be coming to live with.

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  2. I remember this fear too well. That blind panic at every ultrasound- 'just please, be alive'. I brought my baby home, and am amazed by her every day. I have faith that you will bring your Sunny home too. Our rainbow babies have very special guardian angels. xx

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  3. Thinking if you tomorrow and sending you all my love and support.

    Em
    Xxxxxxxxx

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  4. I have cried the last two posts Ande because you have expressed so well what I have felt this last year leading up to Flynn's birth. I love your honest raw words and also I am so glad I am not the only one that hides lollies and choc from my family. :) xx

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I'm a stay at home mum to three beautiful girls and one angel boy which inspire me to be a better person every day. My Blog is about our life and suviving the up and downs of raising a family and the love and loss that come along for the journey.