We have made it this far, past the big hurdle of the time we lost Riley, past the weeks leading up to the time when we lost our little boy. Some how I made it through, a little crazy and hormonal but what is to be expected of a pregnant lady. I have known worse behaviour from pregnant women that have not had to also deal with the anxiety of knowing it can all end in a second. The feeling of it can all end in a second doesn't go away EVER. There is no safe zone, there is only glimses into the future that may include bringing Sunny Home.
We have set up her room something which I felt really strongly that we needed to get done before I got to the point when we lost Riley. In my mind I needed to have this done as we had not set up Riley's room and I regret not having this done for him. When I was pregnant with Riley I had all this clothes washed, ironed and put away for Sunny that may well be the last thing on the list of things to do. If I flip things around it might just be OK this time. I have brought her some clothes and I have them hanging in her room. I have sorted all the girls clothes into sizes and have them ready to wash. Part of me just can't shake the thought that all this is wonderful but the end image of us holding Sunny in our arms is still so far away. It is hard to imagine what she will bring to our family. What our family will be like with her as a member of it.
So what now, we have made it this far does it mean that it is all balloons and butterflies as we prepare to bring her home. Now we have to deal with the fact that she can come at any time, there is no turning back we are going to get to hold this little wonder in our arms and I have to face up to the fact that labour will come whether I like it or not. As Monique was 6 weeks early and Poppy came at 37 weeks the chances of going before 40 weeks are high. When I spoke to the Dr last week I was told that 37 weeks is a target that I should be looking at but be prepared if she is ready to come before this.
My cervix is shorten which mean she is holding in there by a fingernail which is great, she can hold in there for a few more weeks. I will stop doing jumping jacks and running marathons now and let her just hold on tight.
I'm on weekly appointments now and have been for the last month. The weekly appointments have been a great help with getting through the last month, I needed to hear from the Dr's there is a really strong heartbeat there. I could listen the sound of my babies hearts all day long and if I had a doppler I would most probably be doing just that.
I have been asked a number of time if I have a doppler and then why don't have have a doppler.
Here is the answer, I don't have a doppler as because 1. I would want to be on it all the time. 2. What would I feel if I didn't hear her heart beating or the swishing of her cord, it would take me back to the day when we lost Riley all the fear and reality mixing into one that not all babies get to be brought home. 3. I need to trust and have faith that my Dr's know what they are doing. If I don't allow them to reassure me then no one will. If I don't believe them who am I going to go to if something goes wrong. This all makes sense in my head and I know not having a doppler in the house is a better option for me. I also have the support of my wonderful GP which is 2 minutes down the rd that he is happy for me to turn up to his office at any time to have him listen to Sunny's heart beat and reassure me that I can get through this and that she is alright.The plan for now
Get through each week, keep planning to bring her home, visualise that she will be ours to keep for eternity, visual what it will be like to make that phone call the family and friends to tell them she has arrived and she is healthy and happy and we are happy and life is wonderful. We can't plan for when she comes so it makes it hard to arrange a family member to fly up to QLD to look after the girls so we have resolved to the fact that some poor person, is going to get a random phone call from us to come and look after the girls. I joke when I say this as we have had some genuine offers of help from friends that we have made up here. Our next door
neighbours have been great and have their phones on high alert for a night time call to come over and watch the girls.
This week I might just have to go shopping or I call this Cherie Therapy (My mum loves to shop when things are tough, it works for her and it works for me). Dave keeps giving me jobs to do for his work which I know he could do himself or get his staff to do, to try and keep me busy. I think really he is just trying to keep me out of the shops and keep our bank balance in check. Good Luck with that Honey, I love you for trying.