How am I meant to know if something is wrong when last time I didn't know until it was to late. What am I meant to be looking for, what should I have looked for last time. I'm well and truely past thinking I could have done something to prevent Riley from passing away. I have played the days over and over in my head, leading up to when I took myself to hospital with a feeling something was wrong. There is not one thing which I can say was an indicator that he was slowly or very fastly slipping away from us.
The only indicator was the lack of movement, so now with every movement or lack of movement I think is that a change in movement, should I be worried about it. A friend of mine which is also an angel parent told me when she was pregnant again after her loss that what got her through was saying 'God could not give me another dead baby', I know God is merciful and we only get what we can deal with but we only know what we can deal with once we have been dealt that hand. I question my strength at the moment. I don't pray for a healthy baby I just pray for strength to be able to deal with the day. For I know that only God knows my inner strength and what I'm capable for doing, he will only give me what I can deal with, and in this I must trust.
After we lost Riley I took a break from teaching at church I just couldn't face it. I loved my class of Young Single Adults (18 - 30yr olds not married) and they gave us such wonderful support in the days and months after we had Riley. One week I found that I had to teach, I think Dave was going away or was sick or something which meant I was the only option at short notice. It was the best thing to do that day. I read the lesson and knew it was my time to have faith that I was capable of then more then I felt at the time. All because of this quote:
It is referring to Joseph and his treatment and his steadfast faith.
"The ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father alwyas seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. Joseph, although a slave and wholly undeserving of this fate, nevertheless remained faithful to the Lord and continued to live the commandments made something very good of his degrading circumstances. People like this cannot be defeated"
Elder Hartman Rector Jr.
On a day like today when I feel emotional I feel prompted to read this and know
'Today will NOT be the day that I'm defeated'