This Prison Cell

The excitement is bubbling over, today is my last day hopefully of being stuck inside these four walls. Three months without a license has been difficult not only for me but for the girls and Dave. This is the second time I have had to give up it up due to seizures but the first time since having kids. It is so different this time.

The first time I wasn't allowed to drive for 6 months but at the time I was living with my parents, didn't have kids, lived near the train station and worked, so the need to drive was limited. I could walk to the train to get to work and then on the weekend Dave and I would spend time together doing young love couple stuff, you know actually wanting to be together.

Now I have three kids, we had school holidays, groceries that need to be brought, all the things you have to do to get ready for school, weeks of wet weather, a baby that needed to be weighed regularly plus all the normal stuff that you need to so as a Mum. The girls have had to walk to school or home in the rain a few times. The first two weeks of school it rained the entire time which meant that Dave would have to go into work late as he would have to drive us to school, drive me and Josephine home, change cars. Then if it was still raining at 2.30pm he would have to leave work come get the girls then drive back to work to try and get more work done.

I can say that I have taken for granted the ease of being able to get in the car and be able to pick up a few things from the shops. Now it takes me half an hour to walk to the shops, 10 minutes to shop and another half and hour to get back home. All of this whilst trying to fit in feeds for a newborn. When you have a newborn you can feel the walls closing in, not being able to get out of the house with the ease that you did before, not having that option to even get out has meant that not only do I feel like the walls are closing in but that I'm imprisoned in my own home. I don't want to do housework every day, I don't want to plan for dinner at lunch time. I just want to be able to get out.  It would be like going to work everyday to dig a hole but every night someone came along to fill it in again and the next morning you would be back to digging the same hole.

Friends have said if you need to go anywhere just let me know and I will take you, to me this is such a pain for these people. I would be saying Oh yeah that would be great if you can follow me around the shops so I can feel like I'm getting out but you will firstly have to come to my house to drive my car so that we can make sure the carseat is installed correctly. I know I could have taken the carseat out of the car and been a little more relaxed with this but I'm so nerotic it just wasn't an option.

This week I have felt so nervous, I had the fear of having another seizure before I got to my appointment meaning even longer without being able to drive.

The girls beg me each day as we walk home in stinking hot weather to be able to be picked up in the car. I keep saying 'Not much longer now'. As we walked home last week Monique held my hand and with such pain and compassion in her voice said 'Mum I wish you never had a seizure', days later Poppy tenderly placed her hands on my face and traced her wee little finger across my bruised eyes and said 'Mum they are nearly all gone, you can drive again'.

Me not being allowed to drive has effected our family and I never knowingly want to put myself at risk of another seizure again. I know that the outcome of me having a seizure could have been much worse then not being able to drive for three months. I will never forget that if I had not put Josephine down when I did; I would have been holding her and I would have potentially killed her with me fitting on top of her. I know I can't control when they are going to happen and I may never have one again, I just hope that if I do it don't hurt anyone.

 Bring on this afternoon and a positive outcome, to get my family back on track.


  1. heya Ande, just wanted to send my love. Hope this went well for the appointment.
    We've booked our tickets for October too...the girls can't wait!


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